Holding On And Letting Go
by DarkLuminescence
Summary: Ever since Jenna kissed Collin, she's been unable to get him off her mind, despite the guilt she inevitably feels for betraying Matty's trust. Matty. Whom she still loves but may no longer be in love with. Continuation from season three's midseason finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Note:** _This is my take on the countless possibilities the next half of season 3 could bring. It is not canon, although I am going to try and follow what I saw in the promo for the next episodes and go from there. Also, I'm not very experienced in the art of writing fanfic so I apologize in advanced if this disappoints and/or is OOC. This is definitely a Jenna/Collin fic, with a decent sized dash of Matty and feelings. _

"Everything okay?"

Jenna was startled back into reality at the sound of Matty's voice against her ear. Unable to make eye contact with a convincing amount of sincerity, she nodded, intertwining her fingers with his.

"Everything is perfect." She smiled, masking the ache of guilt that had only gotten worse since her kiss with Collin, only a few nights ago. She kept telling herself over and over again that it hadn't meant anything. Even late at night, when she closed her eyes and still tasted his lips on her own and felt his hand on her back, desperately pulling her toward him, as if he couldn't hold her tight enough, couldn't pull her close enough - _it still hadn't meant anything. _It had been what most would easily consider a lapse in judgment. A mistake. And the moment she saw Collin, she would let him know that it could never - _correction_ - would never happen again. She took a bite from the sandwich in her hand, but hardly tasted it as it went down. Tamara was going on and on about something from across the lunch table and Jake was trying desperately to keep up. Matty's arm rested comfortably around her shoulders, and for moment she believed, without doubt, that everything would be okay. That is until she noticed Collin pulling up into the parking lot. Suddenly her mouth felt dry, and Matty's arm around her felt wrong, as if she were cheating on Collin with him and not the other way around. Without much thought she slid out of his hold and stood up, her half-eaten sandwich still in her hand.

"I got to go." She said, biting her lip nervously. Matty raised an eyebrow and reached for her hand, a crooked smile emphasizing his fine features. "Where to? Class doesn't start for another twenty minutes." He ran his thumb down her hand without much thought, for it had practically become second nature to him.

"Mr. Hart wanted me to come by and talk to him about a paper I wrote before class started." Her smile was soft, and it almost pained her how easy it was becoming to lie, especially to a person she loved. Her eyes drifted over to where Collin was getting out of his car, and lingered for a moment before quickly leaning in and giving Matty a quick kiss.

"See you guys later." Her words tripped over each other, and she made her way in the direction of the guy who had the indecency of taking over her thoughts. At this point she knew he had spotted her coming toward him, seeing as he stopped walking and waited for her.

"You." She said as she narrowed her eyes and lifted her sandwich toward him as an attempt to gesture in his general direction.

"Me." He arched an eyebrow, his lips curving upward at the corners. Despite the fact that he wasn't showing any teeth, it was still a perfect, if not more so, smile and she could feel herself being drained of all sense. Her tongue flicked across her bottom lip seconds before she swallowed the lump that had showed up in her throat uninvited.

"I think we need to talk." She could feel heat rising in her cheeks, which only grew worse from the embarrassment of it happening to begin with. She lifted her eyes, only to find his own already staring back, which wasn't really surprise. He was terrific at making eye contact. Hot...steamy...eye contact.

"Right." He nodded, his smile turning awkward. She glanced behind her to see if any of her friends were looking their way before grabbing hold of his sleeve and pulling him behind the protection of a wall.

"Look, I don't know exactly what got into me the other night..." She shook her head, no longer able to look at him. "I mean. I do. You're great - you're... you know... you." She looked up for a moment to see if he was following and then back down before she could make anything else more awkward. "It's just Matty...he's my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend and I don't want to be that kind of person." She closed her eyes before finally letting them settle on his own, gorgeous ones. "I mean, technically I am that person. You know... the terrible kind. I'm a terrible person." She dropped her sandwich on the ground and ran her now free hand through her hair. Collin shook his head slightly, resting a hand against her shoulder, replacing where Matty's had been not long ago.

"You're not." He said gently, moving a step closer. "Look, Jenna. It's alright that you regret it. It was a heat of the moment kind of thing, I get it. But if I'm being completely honest here, I don't regret a single second of it." The lump had returned to her throat and her heart had decided that it was okay to start pestering her by speeding up. "Matty is a lucky man. I just hope he knows that." His eyes were causing literal goosebumps to form on her arms and before she could even register what she was doing, her mouth had found familiar territory against his own. She could feel his hand on her backside through her sweater and it wasn't until his hand slid lower, his finger tips grazing her skin just beneath the hem of her shirt that she pulled away, her breathing ragged and her face flushed. If the slightest touch from Collin's fingertips could send her reeling, how long could it possibly take before he gets her out of her shirt and into her pants?

"We should go to class." She said, still breathless from the kiss, and declaring to herself that any thoughts she had for the next hour couldn't and wouldn't be held against her, for no one in their right mind could think straight after a kiss like that.


	2. Chapter 2

Class was a blur. It was difficult to concentrate with the taste of Collin's lips still residing on her own. She couldn't make sense of what was going through her own mind. She loved Matty. After everything they had been through - didn't he deserve better? From the very beginning she had always made him out to be this incredible guy and at first, all he wanted to do was keep her a secret, but she couldn't hold that against him forever. Sure, finding out that he had, in fact, been embarrassed by her...or as he liked to say - mortified, stung. Perhaps that weighed in on her drastic change in character, or maybe she had always been a deceitful, cheating, bitch without even knowing it.

"Hey, babe." Matty said, approaching her as both her and Collin exited their classroom. "Collin." He nodded, with such a friendly smile she wanted to throw her books at him and tell him to stop being so oblivious. He leaned in to give her a kiss, but at the last second she turned her head so his lips would find her cheek instead of her mouth.

"So..." Collin said, before Matty had time to react to Jenna dodging his kiss. "I guess I'll see you after school to get started on that assignment." He ran a hand through his hair, his lie masked beneath a false yet believable smile. Jenna felt herself nodding in agreement and then cursed him for the power he seemed to have over her. With that his smiled widened, and he turned away from them, heading toward his locker. Matty looked down at her and took one of her hands in his.

"I have a surprise for you." He bit his smiling lip. "It was suppose to be for tonight, but since you and Collin have a thing I can postpone it till tomorrow."

"We don't have thing." Jenna laughed awkwardly, not liking his choice of words. "I mean we have a class thing, but it's not an important thing. It's just... you know a small thing." She was rambling. Matty gave her a confused look for a moment before nodding.

"Oh, so you'll be done early." He pulled her closer to him. "Great. Guess I'll keep the surprise for tonight then." He kissed her then, and this time she couldn't bring herself to move away. His lips were warm against her own, and all in all, it was a pretty awesome goodbye kiss. It was as if he was making up for the one he missed earlier. But kissing Matty after having kissed Collin only a little over an hour ago felt cruel and wrong. It's official. She was a slut.

"Right. So, I'll see you tonight then." She said against his mouth before pulling away and patting him on the shoulder. She scurried away, searching the halls for Tamara, in desperate need for a chat. Tamara would help her realize what it was she was doing and everything she was risking by giving her one of her famous lectures, and all would go back to normal. She spotted her friend and quickened her pace until she was walking next her.

"Hey gir-"

"I kissed Collin." Jenna sputtered. She knew if she didn't just say it, she'd pussy out. Now that it was out in the open though, she was sure tension was rising in the air. Her face was hot, her palms sweaty and she couldn't bring herself to look at Tamara's expression.

"You WHAT?!" Tamara gasped, nearly tripping over her own feet. Jenna groaned, nervously tugging at the bottom of her braid.

"I...I don't know what came over me. It's just Matty and I had a bit of a fight and Collin was there saying all these great things and I... I just kissed him." She shook her head, attempting to ignore the pain in her stomach. She felt nauseous.

"OMG Jenna! That's so not okay!" Tamara stopped walking and forced Jenna to look at her. "Matty loves you. I mean, like, after everything you've been through you can't just throw that away over some fight."

"He told me that he had been mortified of me when we first met, T!"

"Yeah, well get over it. You already assumed he had been embarrassed and you forgave him and moved on anyway. You can't just, like, bring up all his past mistakes every chance you get. He's redeemed himself by now." She shook her head dramatically and placed both her hands on Jenna's shoulders. "Don't even worry about it. It was T.A.A... totally an accident. A meaningless kiss. You were upset and shit happens. Your feelings for Collin aren't legit. You're attracted to him thats it, and I get. He's pretty hot. But so is Matty, and your feelings for him are real and his feelings for you are real and TWM...that's what matters."

Jenna swallowed hard. She didn't like how Tamara was telling her what she was feeling, but she had no right to argue.

"Uh..." Jenna mumbled. "Well..."

Tamara narrowed her eyes and titled her head. "What aren't you telling me?" Jenna licked her lips in order to lessen the dryness of them before closing her eyes and letting the words pour out.

"It wasn't just one kiss. I - I went to talk to him today at lunch and it...it just happened...again." Tamara released her hold on Jenna's shoulders and took a step back.

"Wow, okay. Once is an accident...twice is an affair! Jenna, what are you doing?! Are you trying to ruin everything you've achieved this year?"

"I don't know!"

Tamara's expression softened ever so slightly at the sound of despair in Jenna's voice. "You need to tell Collin to back off. End whatever it is that's going on between you two." She was unexpectedly gentle with her advice, something Jenna was surprised about. She nodded in agreement, that sick feeling only getting worse. Did she want to end her..._thing_...with Collin? Oh, of course she did... Her thoughts were still jumbled as she made her way to her next class knowing that afterwards she'd have to confront him and end things before it went too far and she gets in too deep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Note:** _I gotta say, that one review really made my day. Glad someone is getting some enjoyment from this. Thank you so much for the feedback. It not only makes my day a whole lot better, but it helps with inspiration. _

"Get in." Jenna hadn't meant to sound so angry, but she wanted to make a point that she meant business, and with Collin looking so fine standing in front of her, she knew her control would falter sooner rather than later. If she was going to have any hope at all ending whatever it was they were doing, she needed to keep herself both controlled and unaffected by his presence. Collin's eyes darted to the ground as he turned around and got back into his car. She made her way slowly, but with purpose, into the seat beside him and closed the door harder than necessary.

"We're done." She said matter-of-factly, nodding her head in agreement to what just came out of her own mouth. It didn't matter that she didn't actually want to be done, it was the least selfish choice she had made all week, and she was sticking with it.

"Over." He agreed, his voice sounding a tad vulnerable, a side she hadn't seen of him before. She turned her head so she could look at him, all seriousness leaving her eyes and instead replaced with a hint of regret. Whether that regret was for ever kissing him in the first place, or ending it here and now - she didn't know.

"Friends?" She asked, the word spilling from her lips more as a plea than a question. He nodded, offering his hand and she took it in her own, shaking it awkwardly, and for far too long. She didn't want to let go, and apparently he didn't either. They sat there like that for a while, their fingers intwined. Her hand seemed to fit perfectly in his own and for a few moments Matty was no longer a concern. It was just her and Collin, his touch bringing goosebumps to life on her arms, and down the curve of her back. She had believed that no one could beat the chemistry between her and Matty, yet what her and Collin had was more like electricity, and whenever he was even in the same room as her, she could feel it come alive in her veins, pumping into her heart and stealing away her breath. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before - an undeniable connection - and here she was trying to deny its existence anyway.

Perhaps ending their _thing _wasn't as selfless as she thought. Wouldn't it be worse if every time Matty kissed her, she thought of Collin instead? Wouldn't it be _selfish_ of her to stay in a relationship she wasn't fully committed to? It seemed to her, the most selfless thing she could do in this situation was break up with Matty, not end things with Collin.

With her free hand she gripped Collin's shirt and pulled him toward her, finding his mouth with her lips. He was a great kisser. She loved how his tongue felt against her own, and the way their lips moved in perfect sync. He tasted of strawberries and nuts from what she assumed was his lunch and she couldn't help but smile against his mouth. She had made a decision, and allowed herself a second to relish in it. Of course, reality has its way of sinking back in and when she pulled away all she could think about was how confused and hurt Matty was going to be, and that she was actually ready to end a relationship with the first boy she had ever been in love with. But when Collin arched an eyebrow and smiled at her, touching her cheek lightly with his fingertips - she knew it was the only reasonable choice she could make.


End file.
